eat.sleep.geek.

Seriously? WTF? Marvel just released an online digital comic that managed to register on my radar;  Eminem & the Punisher, and after reading it I’m wondering how this whole deal of cross promotion went down.  As soon as I heard this was happening I feared the worst, some other notable crosses in comics started to came to mind: Punisher meets Archie, Superman vs Mohammad Ali,  Superman vs He-man,  and the list goes on.  Sadly it’s hard to talk about this comic without telling you the story, cause that’s where all the craziness is,  in the story.  Trust me, you’ll be glad you read this instead of the garbage I had to go through just to talk about this craptacular comic.

Slim Shady is leaving a concert when out of the dark pops Frank Castle in his infamous skull shirt.  Soon without warning he starts firing on Eminem and his crew.  Being all pissed, since he just watched his homies get killed for no reason at all, Marshall Mathers wants revenge.  He gets pulled aside by a man he’s known for years,  Punisher’s real target, Barracuda. Soon Barracuda and Slim Shady run off to an abandoned house where they try to hold up while the Punisher tracks them down.  Acting like this is his first time playing the vengance for justice game, Frank Castle doesn’t even bother to try to protect himself before he breaks in.  Eminem catches Castle of guard, smacks him across the face, and  knocks him out cold with some kind of gun he some how obtained.  Not satisfied with just a knocked out, skull wearing, vigilante, he finishes the job by laying a few shots into his chest. Feeling relieved that he just laid out the Punisher, his friend Barracuda sneaks up behind him, places a gun against his head, and reveals to him that he was actually the one after Mathers.  He then of course  unloads some bullets into his chest.

A few hours later, out at sea, Eminem wakes up, but he doesn’t wake up alone, oh no, he finds himself tied back to back with the Punisher.  Apparently they both survived the attacks because of the bullet proof vests they both had on (what a coincidence).  Since they both didn’t die in the abandoned home, B arracuda takes them on a joy ride in a boat where his new (and much improved) plan is to throw Slim Shady overboard causing him to drown in icy waters.  While breaking the chains that bind both of them, but keeping their hands bound, Barracuda throws Eminem overboard, where the plan goes awry again.  Instead of breaking through the ice, Eminem lands face first onto it.  Having another (you shouldn’t need this many back up plans if you know what your doing right?) back up plan,  Barracuda pulls out a sniper rifle on his back and tries to shoot Mathers from point plank range.  Again, he fails; not watching where the Punisher was at, Baracuda gets  the back of his knee kicked out and fires the bullet into the air.

Since the water around the boat is mostly frozen, Eminem makes his break. Walking, not running away he doesn’t have to go very far from the boat when Eminem encounters an ice fisherman, (who apparently walked all the way out to the middle of nowhere) who knows the rapper.  The ice fisherman tells Slim that he is a huge fan and is willing to do what ever Marshal Mathers wants him to do.  Some how Slim Shady gets his hand untied and next thing we know he saunters on back to Barracuda’s boat with the fisherman’s chain saw.

Meanwhile, back on the boat, Barracuda begins to ruff up the Punisher for getting in his way. Having his hands bound The Punisher must take the beatings, and does so without complaint. Since they have a history together, Barracuda can’t bring himself just to kill Castle quite yet and instead, accidentally distracts himself while talking.  Eminem comes up from out of nowhere and slices Barracuda’s fingers off.  Barracuda drops the machete that he was holding, with nothing but anger left in his body, Slim takes the chainsaw to the rest of Barracuda.  Having the machete Barracuda dropped, the Punisher quickly cuts himself free, and after Eminem forces Barracuda overboard, pulls out two Uzi’s (from  somewhere) and tells Marshal Matthers to get off the boat.  Unsure of why, but facing two guns to his head, Slim does what he’s told.  Turns out,  that killing Barracuda put Slim on the Punishers bad list (a lot like Santa’s list but he never checks twice).  As Slim stands on the ice, Castle fires bullets around the rapper leaving him to float on a small sheet. But knowing that Shady only tried to protect himself, The Punisher has a very, very small change of heart and tosses Slim Barracuda’s satellite phone so he can call someone to come rescue him.

Seriously this is the comic, and this is only issue one! I hope to god that Marvel ends it right here and now, but business is business and it wouldn’t be the first time they ever sunk this low. Oh well, I stick with the cross of Marvel vs Capcom 2 for my PS3, sure it’s only the demo, but it is and shall ever be in my mind the BEST in Marvel cross overs.